12 July 2006

Oh California

My coworker Adam showed me a list he wrote when he was drunken one day. The list was essentially a series of complaints about living in Southern California. Adam being from Boston has higher expectations from a city. So in light of this I thought that I would post my own.

1) The Driving – Now I know this has been said to death and mentioned at great length but native Californians just can’t drive. They lie and try to defend themselves but the simple fact remains California is the Special Olympics of driving. Any change in barometric pressure is usually accompanied by an onslaught of accidents; these people hit the trees with greater frequency than Sonny Bono on a ski hill. Rain out here should be accompanied by the Benny Hill theme music then at least it would be comical.

2) The Food – Wrapping food in a tortilla shell that does not belong in a tortilla shell does not constitute fusion cuisine. The Mexican food here is fine but its Mexican food, we are not talking about the height of haut cuisine here. Personally I chose to believe that a ‘San Diego fish taco’ is some sort of code for a sea faring hooker who services military personnel fresh out of basic rather than a palatable food option. This is a state best known for homogenizing other cuisines (i.e., San Francisco Chinese and the California Roll) so I’m not sure what I should have reasonably expected. There is no place to get decent Chinese, or Indian take away and the less said about the sushi selection in this town the better.

3) The Women – Ok so I have since decided that the Beach Boys must have been on crack, or they were speaking of a class of woman that has since gone extinct. Sure the women out here are attractive, well in that sort of deeply homogenized way you would expect the bottle blonde with the beach body to be. It’s almost sad what a stereotype they are. I have met maybe 4 redheads since I moved here, I’m drying up. Now on the face of it there could be many worse things and you know that’s true. However, the one thing that pushes it over the top is the general sense of entitlement every girl I have met out here has. Whether they are aware of it or not they all expect the world to be handed to them on a silver plate with as minimal work as humanly possible. Every girl out here wants to be kept and if not kept lets say vastly subsidized by some sort of Adonis husband who rakes in the cash and is a caring compassionate husband and father by night. It’s almost staggering that I have yet to meet more women than Erin who seems to show any interest on making it on her own.

4) The Men – They aren’t exempt either. Maybe this is just San Diego but all of the ‘locals’, and I use the term sparingly as I have yet to meet one native San Diegan, but it seems like all the men are on this sort of semi permanent vacation. They seem to be less interested in actually living than how to weasel out of life faster to make time for the beach. I am now convinced that the beach is the greatest life sucking force known to man that drives everyone into living for it and it alone. Chivalry, what chivalry dude seems to be the order of the day.

5) Culture – What culture? This came up when we were trying to name 5 great California bands and I couldn’t get past 3 CCR, The Beach Boys and Janes Addiction.

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